Those few of you who bother to read my ramblings will have noticed two things.

I don’t blog much
I only blog when I am irritated by something

Nothing much wrong with that, other than a bit of a hit for my immortal soul somewhere down the line.

So, I hear you ask, exactly what has pissed you off today?

Well, appropriately, it is bloggers who post something controversial or irritating just to provoke others into linking to them - the supposed value of a link outweighing any negative comments that might be contained in the reference.

Exponents of linkbait blogging are worse than ’scum of the earth’, they are ’scum of the earth and proud of it’.

Of course one of the problems I now face is to point you to an example, but I can’t, can I, ‘cos that’s what they want me to do.

Maybe I can give a halfway house solution then - hows about this: Doug’s Mouthpiece on Mad SEOs

So why the link in this case?

Well Doug isn’t as bad as he would like us to think - he is just ‘trying‘ to be a linkbaiter, but all of us who know him know that it won’t last more than two weeks  

More importantly, he has carefully chosen a bunch of mad and eccentric SEOs to make fun of, which means that in one case he is making linkbait out of the biggest ‘master baiter’ of recent times (the bald one with the pelican’s pouch where other people have a neck) - so that is worth pointing out for the mild irony.
(obviously, he couldn’t put me in there as I am not fat, not eccentric and certainly not mad)

But hopefully, that makes the point - people will link to that ‘cos it is funny/insulting/daft or whatever - and that is fine - but it wasn’t written to be funny/insulting/daft - it was written to provoke links, and that is, of course worthy of my spite.

Those bits of the ‘blogosphere’ that aren’t mutual masturbation now resemble a collection of maladjusted children all happy to do anything as long as it gets some attention.

Look at me everybody, I hate linkbaiters - look, this is me making fun of them, see I am weeing on them - hahahaha hahaha haha….. ha…

.. well before we spill the beans, a little background is in order.

A ‘report’ (more on this later) way back in 2004 listed the following as the most despised professions:

1. Traffic wardens
2. Bouncers
3. Estate agents
4. Motorcycle couriers
5. Bus drivers
6. Footballers
7. Tele-sales reps
8. PR people
9. Politicians
10. Reality TV show contestants

Now some of these appear to make sense, right - estate agents, traffic wardens, tele-sales and politicians would all be on my personal ‘despised’ list, but some are somewhat odd.

Footballers? Bus Drivers? Where the bloody hell do they come from?

More worryingly, the ‘most respected’ list included ‘Rugby Players’ and members of the Armed Forces - what the fuck is that about? Perhaps they are confusing ‘respect’ with ‘fear’ - beats me.

… but there, ladies and gentlemen, is the answer.

This report was compiled as a ‘fake’ news story by the advertising agency behind Horlicks, yep, the drink that makes you relaxed enough to fall asleep easily.

This also provides us with the most despised profession in MY world.

 

The most despised profession in my world is:


Coming at No.8 on the list from Horlicks, but No.1 on the Despised list of despised professions is … PR People - the panty-waisted airhead ‘creative’ marketing guys who think up these ‘fake surveys’ in order to get some airtime for their clients. I hope they all drown in a cesspool of their own making.
If the world of PR can be compared to an unclean uncirumcised penis (and I think it can), these guys are the smeggy cheese under the foreskin.

This particular survey has zero scientific value as the demographics and size of the survey group are not stated, but it got into the papers so now it will be quoted at me as a ‘fact’ by some other ’shit for brains’ gullible  nob end, (and on the subject of gullibility, I am appalled to discover that the word ‘gullible’ has been removed from the latest Oxford English Dictionary - details here)

So, getting near that time when my other half insists that we go on vacation and starts sending me links on what she considers to be ’suitable’ destinations.

Algarve villas are supposed to excite me, apparently, despite the fact that they all look the bloody same and also never look quite like that when you get there.

This year she seems to have set her mind on a Vale Do Lobo villa vacation. All I can say is ’same old, same old’.

I hate the planning of the vacation, I hate the bloody airport fiasco, I hate the bloody passengers on the plane, particularly the stupid couple who insist on bringing a 3 month old baby with them that screams the whole bloody journey.

It gets worse when get there.

I despise the whole bloody tourist crap - thousands of shops selling stupid bloody hats, sunglasses and cheap leather goods that smell funny when you get them home.

However, I don’t despise the actual countries I visit - the only reason I allow myself to be dragged through the experience is for that one or two days when I can get away from the other tourists and go visit somewhere ‘real’ with ‘real’ local people and food.

Wish me luck

Yep - another easy target I know but WTF

People who watch soap operas are sad bastards who need to live their lives by proxy because their real lives are so pointless.

Not even real lives mind -  most of these soap opera villages, towns and cities are bloody deathtraps that would qualify for UN aid if they were real.
The amount of murders, rapes and abuse that happens in each mythical soap town is a sad reflection on the interests of Mr and Mrs NoMates, the typical Soap Opera viewer.

I despise soap opera fans, but not as much as I despise the devious bastards behind the soap operas. The TV companies employ people to sit there and try and get into the minds of Mr and Mrs NoMates in an attempt to come up with a plot that will make them stay watching at least until the next commercial break (or in the case of Beeb, make sure they are popular enough to distract people from the high licence fee)

Jeez what a job that must be.

PS
Seems I am not the only one pissed off with some of the people behind soap operas - ironically "Now Wash Your Hands‘  seem to have upset someone in their efforts to produce a soap opera game for the BBC. Ironic really, ’soap’ - ‘now wash your hands’     Hahahaha!

…. and remote control dodgem cars ….. bollocks to the sound of music, these are a few of MY favourite things.

I found these on a neat gadget site …. Its hard to carry on despising a world that can produce toys like this.

OK - its an easy target I know, and I am not the first one to rant in this way, but I can’t let it past without comment - wouldn’t be right.

Christmas gets more arse every year.
Of course, the anti-cynics amongst you will probably be thinking "nah, its you that gets worse as you get older", and thats fine, because, frankly, if you think that, you are the sort of numbnut optimist that I use a touchstone for my better ideas - if you ever agree with me, I know I have got something badly wrong.

Anyway, Christmas is arse because:

• It’s nothing to do with ‘the baby jesus’ and never was - just an old festival left over from when we used tree bark as bogroll and women had beards.
• It makes stupid people happy
• Spoilt children get even more spoilt.
• Noddy Holder and Roy Wood get another truckload of royalty payments.
• I have to spend money on other people (big one, that).
• People expect you to especially nice and friendly ‘because its Christmas’ - WTF is that all about?
• Americans keep wishing me a ‘happy holiday’. Its not my holiday - I went to Crete for my holiday way back in May - its bloody Christmas. If you can’t be bothered to wish me a ‘happy christmas’, (which I won’t have anyway), just keep yer mouths shut.
• Office parties (yeah, right, could do a few pages on that one).
• Television proves that no matter how bad something already is, if you REALLY try, you can make it worse.

There are more, but just typing those has got me depressed.

The Pubs are open and its time for some pre-festive anaesthetic.

What it says on the box.

For example, a young girl who uses the word ‘metinx’ instead of ‘I think’, or even the more dated "methinks’.

So damned irritating.

Tsk!

AAAGHHHH!

There are whole channels dedicated to this kind of dross now.

Ususal format is one or more bimbo types (male or female, and in one case somewhere inbetween), hosting a ‘pretend’ quiz with questions that are so easy that my dogs could guess them.

Purpose of the exercise is to get everyone calling in to the premium rate number where they are kept in a queue for long enough to rack up enough profit to cover any prize and running costs many times over.

Whilst this is going on the ‘bimbo’ has to waffle about nothing for a long as possible.

I know most people reading this would probably already know this, but just in case anyone doubts its, one of the channels was forced off air after an insider blew the story of how the ‘back end’ worked.

The originators, presenters and in many cases, participants have a special place in hell reserved for them. I don’t want to go into too much details, in case minors are reading this, but suffice it to say, it involves skin peel, salt, glasspaper and rubbing alcohol.

Not posted here for while.

Wanna know why?
‘Cos my head was in a nice place where it couldn’t be irritated. Work was going well, friends and relatives were being ‘relatively’ nice and I have had a couple of nice holidays to boot.

Hard to despise things when life is treating you well.

So whats changed to bring me back here?

Well, I listen to a lot of radio during the day - mostly ‘talk radio’ - BBC Radio 4, Oneword, BBC7 etc

‘Nothing wrong with that’ I hear you say, and you are right to say it.

Nope, its not radio that makes me mad, its the people that fill the airwaves, or more specifically their inability to express themselves in a logical and coherent manner.

Its not usually the radio anchor people that are the problem, rather its the people they interview.

So, what is it that is irritating me so badly?

Well lets start with ‘absolutely’ - AAAGHHHHH!

Typical scenario 1:

Anchor:
"So, when you were writing your book on sexual disfunction in the Bogomee tribe, did you find there were parallels with modern society"

Author:
"Absolutely, blahdeblah de bollcky blah……"

Typical Scenario 2:

Anchor:
"Do you enjoy your work as a traffic warden?"

Bastard Traffic Warden:
"Absolutely, blahdeblah de bollcky blah……"

…. and so on.

What the fuck is wrong with the word ‘YES’ !!!!

Now, you may think this is a small thing to get riled over, but you are wrong. Listen to the radio, TV, podcasts, whatever… Now you have been warned, you will see (or hear) what I mean.

I know there are a whole bunch of other ‘linguistic abominations’ out there, and I will add them as they spring to mind, but this will have to do for a start.

There, that feels better.

My mind is now back in that happy place again - anyone who tries to change that by  adding  the word ‘absolutely’ as  a comment will be  snipped.

… or to be specific the odious ‘creative’ advertising types who come up with subtle and deceitful ways to fool the average punter.

Lets qualify this a little shall we.

• Brand X Biscuits are NOT 95% fat free - they are 5% Fat.
• That new face cream containing ‘Fakenamellox’ does not contain some amazing new chemical compound discovered by highly paid scientists in their secret underground laboratory - they have just mixed together Deer Bollocks and Lard and renamed it so it sounds liek a scientific breakthrough.
• Using the word ‘free’ does not mean anything is actually ‘free’ - specifically  in the phrases such as "find out free whether you can borrow money from us’. I should fucking think I can find out ‘free’ - it’d be a rum fucking world if I had to pay for you to tell me whether I can hand you my nuts on a plate.
•  Stop using the word ‘upto’, as in ‘upto 50% off’. If you promise never to use it again, I promise to give you ‘upto’ 100% of my current bank balance, deal?

OK - you got the idea.  Advertising types are scumbags.

But wait, is it really their fault. I mean, they wouldn’t do this if it didn’t work, right.

So who is to blame?

I’ll tell you who’s to blame - its Joe Public (and that might include you, only you can say for sure)

Now some people can’t help it, they simply lack the intellectual ability to understand that ‘upto 50%’ can mean 0%, OK - we’ll let them off the hook.

But the rest of you, start using your fucking brains - if a companies Ads are deceitful shite, boycott the companies concerned.